


Do Not Pass Go

by Enzonia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen, Season 9, fun for none of the family, monopoly, or crack-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 21:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2124987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enzonia/pseuds/Enzonia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Cas is outrageously good at Monopoly, Sam siphons money from the bank, Kevin wonders what is his life anymore, and Dean tries hard not to salt and burn the damn thing. Of course, this is all Sam's fault completely. Set vaguely in Season 9.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do Not Pass Go

So it had come to this.

Despite everything they had been through together, despite Ruby, the apocalypse, and all that had followed it, this was the betrayal that really hurt. One that would forever divide their small family. Brother would turn against Brother, Prophet against Righteous Man, Lucifer's Vessel against Kinda-Angel-But-Not-Anymore-Don't-Mention-It-He's-Touch. Once again, end times were upon them.

"YOU CAN'T CHARGE ME RENT WHEN I DON'T EVEN WANT TO STAY AT YOUR SCUZZY HOTEL!"

"Dean, put the knife away."

Dean breathed heavily, glaring at Kevin hard enough to crack rocks. He slowly withdrew the knife, resisting the urge to stab it through the Monopoly board with great difficulty. It had started out so well. Sam (of course) had bought the game, declaring it 'game night'. Dean had been lured from his room with the promise of pie, and 'it'll be fun Dean, I promise'. Cas had arrived willingly, while Kevin had been dragged, tablet and all, muttering about this 'really not seeming like a good idea'.

True, it had been fun at first, when he had been winning easily, trying to explain the rules to a slightly bemused Cas, while stopping Sam from stealing too much from the bank. But now, this was about as far from fun as it was possible to get without finding a space ship and setting course straight for Pluto, and actually, now he thought about it, that sounded much better than this crap. Since then, he had begun to lose horrifically, and he  _fucking swore_  his money was vanishing somewhere, and now he had only two streets and five hundred bucks to his name.

"Dean, where's the rent?"

"In a small town called 'Screw You', just north of 'Up Your Ass'."

"Dean."

"Fine!" Dean shouted, flipping States Avenue over dramatically "How much for a mortgage?"

Sam counted out notes, then slid them across to Dean cautiously, like he was going to rip off his overgrown giant hand or something (one time!). Dean passed it over to Kevin.

"I knew this was a mistake," Kevin said, pushing the notes under the tablet for protection, "We should've played Solitaire"

"Solitaire's a one-player game, Kevin." Sam said, prizing apart Dean's fist to retrieve the dice.

"Still not seeing a downside." Kevin muttered.

Sam slid his dog forward six spaces, just passing where Cas' hat had been knocked onto its side by Dean's near-stabbing attempt.

"I've come second in a beauty contest," Sam read, "Huh, who won?"

Dean bit back the obvious retort in the name of getting this over with quickly, as Sam helped himself to more bank money.

"Why couldn't  _I_ be banker?" Dean asked.

Sam stared at him, looking up from  _ordering his notes into size order_. "Are you serious."

"What, like you're not taking a banker's bonus every time I look away?" Dean snorted, crossing his arms, "You  _were_  training to be a lawyer."

"Oh, so  _I'm_ cheating now?" Sam asked, affronted. There was a soft 'thunk' as Kevin's head hit the table, "Are we ignoring that crossword competition you supposedly 'won'?"

"Hey, just because I knocked all the cards onto the floor  _doesn't mean_ I was lying about that!"

"So that's why you swore when you picked a card?"

"Maybe I'm just passionate about crosswords, did ya think about that?"

"Sure, Dean."

"Dean." Cas cut in before Dean could do anything other than look murderous, "Kevin's stealing from free parking again."

Kevin's hand shot back from the board in a flash of primary colours, and Dean's eyes narrowed rapidly. He hastily grabbed the dice and rolled them before Dean could impale him on the toy Iron.

Kevin moved forwards, landing right on the corner square.

"Go to jail." Sam said. He shook his head slightly, "It's a shame to see someone so young throw their future away like that."

Kevin pushed the Battleship to the jail, "What am I even in jail  _for?_ "

"Theft." Dean muttered, looking at his pathetically small pile of notes.

Sam breathed loudly, audibly trying hard to restrain himself from stabbing someone. "For the last time,  _no-one_  is stealing your money."

"Then where is it?!"

"Maybe you're just terrible at this game?"

"Shut up, _Shawshank,_ "

"This is ridiculous…"

"Wait a second,  _you're_  the one who  _dragged_ us all here to play this stupid game!"

"You and Cas both came here willingly!"

" _I_ didn't."

"Look Kevin, It's not healthy t-"

"CAS, CAN YOU JUST MOVE YOUR SHIP SO WE CAN FINISH ALREADY!"

"I took my turn a few minutes ago."

"Oh," Dean paused, then frowned at the board, "Alright then. Wait, Cas, why do you have five hotels on Boardwalk?"

"Was that not the point?"

"Well yeah, but-"

"Dean, just move the fuc-, the  _car_  already." Sam said in a long suffering voice.

Dean threw the dice with unnecessary force, and grabbed the car (which was  _so_ much cooler that a dog, battleship or  _hat_. Who the hell chooses the  _hat_? Seriously Cas). Each time the car hit the table, the other pieces jumped up a half-inch or so. Eventually, it came to rest. Dean let out a whining sound like a choir of badly tuned kazoos. Kevin surreptitiously flicked holy water at him. Maybe Cas wouldn't notice. Maybe if he just passed the dice onto Sam…?

Sam knocked away his hand.  _Traitor_. It was moments like these where Dean _completely_ understood why Sam was Lucifer's vessel. The Bitch.

"Cas won't charge me rent," Dean complained, "He's my friend, he'll help me out."

Cas frowned. "Rent, Dean."

" _Traitor_ ," Dean whispered venomously, "I hope the money was worth our friendship"

"It helps." Cas said mildly.

"I'm telling  _everyone_ you drank washing up liquid."

Cas looked hurt. "That was a simple misunderstanding. It smelt of fruit."

He heard Kevin's groan from across the table, "How did  _any_ of you survive the apocalypse?"

"Dea-"

"Fine!" Dean threw the money at Cas' face. "Your hotel was shit, by the way, so I'm salting and burning the place after I leave"

"That seems illegal,"

"Kevin's in  _jail_."

Sam picked up the dice, glaring at all of them. He rolled them next to his  _obnoxiously_  large money pile, and if he strangled him  _right now_ , he could just claim demonic possession. Sam reached for his dog, just as Dean leapt into the air, almost flipping the board, finger jabbed at Sam.

"Aha! RENT! How does that  _feel!_ "

Sam made a sound hallway between a groan and an exasperated sigh. "You don't even  _have_ Baltic Avenue."

"What? It's right…" Dean's voice died as he looked down to see  _nothing_  but his mortgaged property. "I had it, I  _fucking had it!_ It was right here  _one second ago!_ "

Dean began to flick feverishly through his cards (all one of them).

" _Dean,"_ Sam said, as Dean's head vanished under the table, swearing quietly but viciously.

"Dean!" He shouted, catching the avalanche of hotels and houses in one hand as Dean lifted the board, running one hand beneath the board. "Put the board  _down!_ "

"It was right here!" Dean said, letting the board drop, causing the few remaining pieces to jump into the air, "Where the hell-"

He reached for his pitifully small pile of money, sending notes flying like a dog looking for a bone (and he really hoped that spell had worn off, because he could  _not_ deal with that shit as well). He found nothing, and his gaze drifted to Kevin, who was making the dog hump the hat. Kevin froze under Dean's glare, like an animal in the headlights.

He lunged across the table, torso knocking over the hotels Sam had been carefully replacing on the board.

"LET GO OF MY CARDS!"

"I  _KNEW_ SOMEONE WAS TAKING MY STUFF, NOW GIVE. IT.  _BACK!_ "

"I DON'T  _HAVE_ YOUR CARD!"

Kevin was scrambling back in his chair, Dean firmly attached to his cards. The prophet was not letting go, despite Dean now trying to prize each finger individually off them. Sam sighed audibly.

"Dean, put Kevin down."

"LET GO YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

"I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO  _PLAY_ THIS STUPID GAME!"

With a tremendous (and fairly predictable, really) tearing sound, the cards tore. Kevin catapulted backwards, hands grasping frantically. He managed to grab onto the tablet rather the table in his descent down. Both tablet and Kevin flipped out of sight under the table. Dean flicked through the fragments in search of purple, still stretched across the table. (The hat was poking painfully into his skin). Blues, Yellows, what appeared to be an expired Cosco membership (?), but no  _fucking Baltic Avenue!_  Dean turned towards his brother, whose eyes widened, freezing midway through picking the scattered hotels off the floor.

"Dean…" he said slowly, with a hand raised, as though placating some wild animal, "Don-"

But Dean had already snatched Sam's cards.

"I had those in  _order_ …" Sam complained, as Dean threw them back onto the table in frustration.

"WHERE IS IT!?"

"I'll just give you the rent if you just  _sit down!_ " Sam hissed, as Dean pushed himself off the table back onto his seat, now searching the bank.

"No!" Dean looked up, wild-eyed. "Someone took my card, and I intend to find it  _before_ you pay the rent you  _owe_ me!"

"Rent."

Dean froze halfway through unsticking two notes. Both brothers slowly turned to look at Cas.

Cas had his cards fanned out in one hand like a magician, "Sam, you owe me rent."

A frozen moment (and a mumbled groan from where an unseen Kevin was pushing himself upright) and then it was broken, as Dean  _launched_ himself diagonally, like the world's least aerodynamic rocket,  _straight at Cas._

"YOU BACKSTABBING, CHEATING  _BASTARD!"_

Kevin let loose a very manly, very high pitched squeal as the monopoly board, re-re-placed hotels and all, flew at him. He managed to deflect the bullet like car with the tablet, but the Word Of God  _really_ hadn't been designed to absorb the impact of speeding board game pieces. Both Cas and Dean slid several feet along the floor, monopoly box sandwiched between them. Torn notes were fluttering down round them like confetti, and in the corner, Kevin appeared to be choking on the hat.

In the ensuing chaos, Sam stole the remainder of the money from the bank.

* * *

**~A FEW, SLIGHTLY CHAOTIC MINUTES LATER~**

"Hey, just put the board down, and we can just carry on playing it later on, when everyone's cal- or just set it on fire, your way works too."

Dean stood back up, breathing hard, salt in one hand, still lit lighter in the other. Cas stood too, looking warily at the fire hazard which was family game night. He had a hotel stuck-up his left nostril, and still held Baltic Avenue in one hand. (It was smoking slightly).

Dean looked at the other two. Sam looked torn between leaving and taking a photo, while Kevin was still lying on the floor, looking old beyond his years.

He pointed without looking at…  _it._ "Can we agree  _never_ to mention this again", Dean said.

Sam said 'yes' at the exact same time Kevin said 'Hell no'.

"Does this mean I don't get rent?"

Dean twitched, and a couple of lurid notes fell out of his hair. Kevin stepped backwards hastily.

"Hey!" Sam said, stepping between the two of them, "Why don't we do something else?"

"Great idea," Dean said, as set the money on fire too, "Know any games which are slightly less flammable?"

Kevin suddenly gave a smile which reminded Dean unpleasantly of Meg, and instantly made him suspiciously, "I've got the Wii set up in my room, if you want to play  _Mario Kart_."

* * *

"So," Charlie said, as if talking to a group of rather dull five year olds, holding a warped sheet of piece of plastic in an oven-gloved hand, "What did we learn?"

"Cas is a backstabbing, card stealing, blue-shelling, traitor?"

Charlie frowned at Dean, "Well no, not the point I was trying to make."

Kevin hazarded a guess, "Electronics don't burn as well as monopoly money?"

"Again, not  _exactly_."

Sam groaned into his hands. The cable from the Wiimote was still attached; though devoid of any  _actual_ Wiimote (It had long since been lost to the fire). He ran his hands through his hair, "Who did we piss off in a past life?"

Cas patted his back in what was supposed to be a reassuring manner, "Probably everyone."

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Yeah, so I haven't written fanfiction for about two years, and I have a few I should probably update at some point (I have chapters written! I'm just lazy!). Fun fact, I actually wrote most of this the night before Holy Terror, but was too emotionally broken to finish it until I found it last night. Shamelessly posting this on ff.net as well.


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